Desperately Wanting
by ReadourMindff
Summary: Look, but don't touch. What's she got that I don't. I wanted him, but he was hers. Really, I only wanted him to see me.
1. Plush

**I had to take a breather from Lost and Torn. Not abandoning it, just need to find my muse. I will update on Saturday and then they will come as I can get to them. Thank you, dear readers for sticking with me on it.**

**As for this new fic... Chapters will be of different lengths. Not even sure how many there will be. No set updating schedule; gonna try for at least weekly. It is a high school fic and the characters will gradually age. There will be drugs, underage drinking, self-harm, rape references, mild femme slash, miscarriage and more. Sex will not be graphic due to character ages. Preach all you want, this shit happens every day, so I'll be keepin' it real. If none of that interests you, turn back now. And if you didn't get it from the description, this story ain't meant to be 'pretty'.  
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**Because music if very dear to me, every chapter will be named after a song or lyrics, and be taken from the years that this takes place. **

**If interested, ifyouweremine made me a banner to this fic in my profile Thanks so much to her!**

**I don't own anything. And I also don't have a pre-reader or beta, so mistakes are all mine. Sorry if it sucks.  
**

* * *

_And I feel that time's a wasted go  
So where you going 'till tomorrow?  
And I see that these are lies to come  
So would you even care?_

I woke from my daze to banging on my bedroom door. Leaning over to turn my boom box down, I heard my step-mother Sue, call my name through the door.

"Come downstairs, there's someone I want you to meet." I rolled my eyes and staggered out of bed. _Great_. Probably another one of those little brats she watches. Just what we need, another annoying little shit running around here. At least they're only here during the day while I'm at school, or I should say, while my parents _think_ I'm at school.

Yeah, I wasn't into the whole academic thing. While my peers were in school, bettering themselves for the future, I was content with skipping and hanging with my friends. Most of the time, we ended up at one of our houses, while the parental units brought in the dough. We sat around shooting the shit, smoking, and just plain fucking around. Beat school any day.

"Bella!" Sue hollered up the stairs._ Fuck. Better get this over with._

I walked down the stairs and heard her talking to what sounded like another lady. As I entered the living room, I realized I was correct in my assumption. There was a little girl around the age of eight, playing with some dolls on the floor.

"Bella, dear, this is Esme Cullen. She and her family are new in town and moved just up the street from us. They heard around that I take care of a few children during the day and asked if I could look after her youngest daughter, Rose, during the day."

I nodded at Esme. She sat looking at me with a beaming smile on her face. It was then, that I noticed a plain, quiet girl sitting next to her on the sofa. "Hello, Bella. It's very nice to meet you. Your mother told me you are a freshman at Forks High?" Again, I gave a nod. "That's wonderful, dear. This is my oldest daughter, Jane. She's also a freshman and will be starting there on Monday."

Ah. This was the catch. '_Play nice with the neighbor girl, Bella'_. Jane looked up at me, through the blonde fringe of her bangs real quick, and then looked back at the floor. I honestly couldn't see anything interesting about the bland looking beige carpet. Probably wanted to get out of here and not have to associate with 'my kind'. She looked preppy and I knew what they thought of my group. They called us stoners, low-lifes... Truth doesn't hurt. I didn't hit the hard stuff, except for one time… _shhh._ I didn't want to think back to that right now.

Sue cleared her throat. I looked up and took notice of the stern look she was giving me. So, don't embarrass her, _right_... "Why don't you take Jane up to your room. I'm sure you girls have a lot you could talk about."

_No, nothing rings a bell._ Esme pushed gently on Jane's back, as if she needed that extra boost. I'm sure she was dreading this just as much as I. Stomping up the stairs and not turning to see if she even followed, I led the way to my sanctuary.

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**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Naked Rain

**I know, I give you one chapter and then I disappear. I know you've heard it all before, but real life comes first. I can't promise a time frame of when I will update. Just know that I won't let this go as long as last time. Thanks for reading if you're still around!** **I won't continue to put a disclaimer, just let it be known: I do not own the characters or lyrics, but the plot is mine.**

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_The gates are open, my eyes are wide -_  
_ Burning the candle that keeps me alive_  
_ Going in blind, going in blind,_  
_ The waters cold, cold, cold murder,_  
_ So bring it back to me, bring it back to me and take me in..._

* * *

"I guess that's how this all begin. The day I met Jane. She's my best friend. We've been through so much together." I said while continuing to look out the window.

"And when did the drugs start?"

Taking a long drag from my cigarette, I thought back and my knee started bouncing. "Before Jane even came into the picture. Two years before."

* * *

"_Bella! The new neighbors asked if you could babysit this evening. I have a meeting with a few friends. Your sister will be asleep, so..." My mother waited for a response. She knew already, it's not like I could tell her no. I learned long ago not to even try._

"_Do you want me to bring Bree with me?" _

"_No need to worry about her, she'll be fine," my mother said before closing her bedroom door._

_I sighed and went to my room in order to pack a bag for the night. I was nervous leaving Bree home alone, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't go against my mother. For the millionth time I wished my father was still here with us. But, he remarried and had a new family._

_Bree walked into my room with a doll in her hand, "Hi, Bella! Can you play dolls with me? I'll let you be the mommy. You're always a good mommy. Please?" she asked, coming over to my bed._

_I reached out for her and she came into my arms. Stroking my fingers through her long brown hair, I kissed her forehead, preparing to hurt her again. I hated telling her no, but I really needed to get her in the tub if I was going to make it to the neighbor's on time. Mom wouldn't like me being late. "Sorry, Bree. Mom's going out for a while tonight. We need to get you a bath now, so we have time for a book."_

_She whispered, "Again?" I gave her a sad smile, "Okay. I'll get my jammies ready."_

_I whispered back, "If you hurry, we might have time to add some bubbles!"_

_As soon as she fell asleep, I walked next door to the Volturi's house. They just recently moved in and had two children - Chelsea who's three and a baby boy named James. Seeing them outside a few times I felt comfortable doing this as their children seemed well behaved. I rang the bell and waited._

_Mrs. Volturi opened the door, "Bella, thanks for coming," she gave me a smile and waved me in. "James just had a bottle and should be fine until after we're back. Mr. Volturi is in the process of tucking Chelsea in, so you should have a quiet night."_

"_That sounds good. I brought my homework and a book. Do you have an idea what time you will be back?" I was nervous leaving Bree for too long._

"_We should be back by eleven. I have to work in the morning. Here's the number to where we'll be," she finished as Mr. Volturi walked up to us._

"_All set, hon. We'll see you in a few hours, Bella," Mr. Volturi gave me a pat on the arm._

_After they walked out the door, I locked up and sat on the couch, ready to do my Math homework. The next few hours went by fast and I didn't even notice falling asleep on the couch until I heard talking coming from the other room._

_Rubbing my eyes, I stood and followed the voices into the kitchen. Mr. Volturi was sitting at the table, talking with another man. The man looked up and smiled at me. I walked further into the room and saw Mr. Volturi with what looked a rolled up paper, which he held to his nostril while a line of white powder was on the table in front of him._

_Mr. Volturi looked up and waved me over. "Marc, this beautiful young lady here is our babysitter, Bella. Isn't she lovely?" He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his lap. I was nervous and knew this was wrong, but I still needed to get the money for babysitting. My mother wouldn't be happy if I came home without it. Besides, Mr. Volturi was a nice man with kind eyes._

"_Yes, she certainly is lovely. Would you like some of this, sweetheart?" He held out another rolled paper. Something was telling me this was wrong, but they both had big smiles on their faces and seemed so happy. I didn't want to make them upset. _

"_Go on, Bella. It'll make you feel really nice," Mr. Volturi said while rubbing my back. He leaned down, put the paper to his nose and repeated what I'd seen him doing a minute ago. He sat back and wiped off some powder left on his nose. He closed his eyes and smiled._

_I looked back at Marc and he gave me an encouraging nod. I took a deep breath, exhaled and copied Mr. Volturi. The powder burned a little, but the burn quickly gave way to a warm feeling. My heart seemed to speed up, and I felt nice, just like they told me I would. My head felt like I was floating._

"_Nice isn't it?" Marc asked. I jumped, realizing he was now standing next to me, hand on my arm and winking at me. Mr. Volturi had moved a hand to my knee and was rubbing circles with his palm. His hand slowly inched up and-_

* * *

I screamed and grabbed a book off the table in front of me, hurling it across the room. I felt a pinch in my right upper arm and then she was speaking into the phone, "A little help in here, please," she hung up the phone, sat back down, speaking to me in a soft, calming voice. I felt the drug coursing through my veins and my harsh breathing slowed and my whole body started to relax. And while the drug always took quickly, bleeding into me with its calming effect, what they didn't realize, what she didn't realize…it didn't stop the past, my past from slamming its ugly fist into my brain. Nothing ever did.


End file.
